


Slowly Burning

by SalamanderGoo



Category: Game Grumps
Genre: A broken leg at one point, A few lesbians thrown in for flavor, AU, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Depression, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-24
Updated: 2018-09-24
Packaged: 2019-07-16 06:36:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16080512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SalamanderGoo/pseuds/SalamanderGoo
Summary: Eight years.  From the moment they met to a moment with no doubt.  As Brian realizes maybe he’s not as straight as he once thought, it sends him into a spiral.  From New Jersey to Los Angeles, he finds out who he is, who he’ll come to love, and how not to deal with his problems.





	Slowly Burning

“Where is he?” Brian let out an annoyed huff of air as he stood in front of a rundown looking diner, pulling his jacket tighter around himself. It was cold, it was late, and he had a class to teach in the morning. This was a rundown part of town too, and he jolted at every sound.

He didn’t even know why he was here. The email he’d gotten was so unprofessional. But here he was. As it turned out, a PhD didn’t actually mean you were all that smart. ...not that he’d tell anyone that. But being here? Where he felt like he might be being set up to be murdered? He’d made smarter decisions.

He found himself coughing when he caught a strong scent of weed, a tall man with unkempt hair approaching him. He was lanky, but had more than a few inches on Brian. Brian started to back away. “Are you Brian?”

“...uh huh.” He eyed the man warily.

“Okay, great! Sorry I’m late man, I’m Danny.”

This was Danny? Brian had no idea what he expected. Certainly not this. Danny extended an arm with a bright smile. “...nice to meet you.” Brian hesitantly shook his hand.

Danny grinned happily. “You too!”

“...how about we head inside? I’m freezing my ass off.”

“Right! Good idea!” Danny lead Brian inside, and Brian just sighed. He could be at home in bed, but no, he was here and cold and tired and annoyed and regretting everything. It was just too late for this.

Brian idly flipped through the menu once they were seated, eyes darting over to Danny every few seconds. “...So, what do you do?”

“I’m a musician of course, but I’d been stepping away for a little while after some... not quite successful attempts. I’m working odd jobs for now, but I’m hoping maybe we can come up with something. How about you?”

“I’m a professor and researcher of theoretical physics, and in my spare time, I’m an improv musician.”

“...wow.” Danny was staring wide eyed. “Julie said you were smart, but wow!” He was grinning, and it seemed infectious because for the first time that night, Brian’s lips twitched into a small smile.

“Thanks. I’ve never been in a band before, so… it’s a new experience for me. But I’m sure we can come up with something.”

The waitress came over, taking Danny’s order of pancakes “with as much whipped cream as possible” and Brian’s order of just coffee. “Aren’t you hungry?” Danny tilted his head a little.

“Not really. I just need caffeine.” He shrugged, messing with his napkin just to have something to do with his hands. “I’m going to assume you had some kind of idea for the band?”

“Yeah! Maybe some kind of comedy angle?” Danny’s grin was back. Brian thought it was absolutely obnoxious. “Like, I know you do improv, so obviously you’re going to be funny, and I’ve taken a few classes, so it’s perfect!”

“So… a comedy band?”

“Mhm! They’ve been getting more popular in recent years, so why not be a part of the trend? It seems like it’ll be more fun.”

Brian nodded, thanking the waitress when she brought his coffee. He started opening sugar packets. “There could be some kind of shock value too. It’s not exactly the most original way to get attention, but I figure it’s worth a shot.”

Danny giggled. “Like what? Murder?”

“...I know you’re kidding. But. Yes.”

Danny raised an eyebrow, an amused smile on his face. “Great. Idea number one. Murder.”

“Idea number two. Sex.” Brian smiled, holding back his own laughter now. As annoying and unprofessional as Danny was… it wouldn’t be hard to get under his skin and annoy him back.

“...Brian Wecht, you’re a genius.”

“I’ve been told that a million times.” He paused. “Wait, why am I a genius?”

“Sex. It’s the perfect premise for a comedy band!”

 

“...hm.” Brian nodded, though Danny’s trail of thought was probably way beyond his own at this point. “It’s not a bad idea.” This would be… interesting at best, a waste of time at worst. “Well, I’ve got nothing to lose, and you have everything to gain.”

“Exactly! The perfect duo.” Danny had produced a notebook from nowhere and was scribbling on a page. “So, sex and murder. What can we do with that?”

Brian sighed, thinking. “Hm… something with… ninjas, maybe?”

That got Danny to giggle and write ‘ninjas’ on the paper. “That’s the best idea and I love it.”

“Wonderful.”

They talked late into the night, coming up with the premise for their band. It was terrible and Brian loved it. He left Danny his phone number and they parted ways. Next time, Brian got to choose where they’d meet up.

And time went on, occasional texts being passed between the two. Nearly two weeks had passed before they met up again, this time a coffee place not far from Brian’s apartment. He was sitting at a table with a drink in front of him, texting one of his friends as he waited, Danny almost 20 minutes late.

He looked up when the bell over the door jingled, Danny finally showing up. “Sorry I’m late, I got held up at work and…” He paused. “What on earth are you drinking?”

“Something with far too much sugar and caffeine to be healthy.” It was one of the frozen drinks that was essentially a coffee milkshake.

Danny made a face as he sat down. “That’s… honestly kind of disgusting.”

“Thank you.” Brian made direct eye contact as he took a long sip of it.

“Eugh.” Danny shuddered. “I feel like I’m back in high school and wasn’t paying attention in class.”

“That’s my job. I’m known for my obviously intense stare.” He grinned.

“And that’s why you’re the ninja part of the band.”

Brian quirked an eyebrow. “And you’re the sex party part?”

“Just the sex. Together we’re the party.”

For effect, Danny put his hand on top of Brian’s. And he wasn’t sure why, but he jerked his hand away, just kind of staring at Danny with slightly widened eyes. He didn’t know why he’d jerked away, but he just didn’t want Danny touching him. He didn’t want to be touched at all. 

“...uh… sorry. I shouldn’t have…”

“It’s fine, I just…” Brian shook his head, waving Danny off. “Should we just…?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll go get myself a drink and be right back.” Danny glanced at Brian oddly, and Brian just silently sipped at his drink. 

He wasn’t a touchy person. Anyone who knew him knew that. But he wasn’t touch averse either. He didn’t know why he’d reacted so bad to Danny touching him. Maybe he was just keyed up. It had been a long day.

He let out a long sigh, swirling his drink with his straw as it started to melt. He just stared down at his drink until Danny came back, holding a cup of tea. “Alright, ready to get going?” He was grinning, Brian flinching away already gone from his mind. Brian envied him for that.

“Yeah, let’s get writing.”

They wore away the afternoon and half a pencil working out concepts and lyrics, Danny’s bright smile never fading once. Brian left with a notebook of ideas, leaving Danny the promise that he’d work out some melodies. And he kept looking down at his hand, almost expecting a burn where Danny had touched him. He was going out of his mind.

The rest of the week came and went, and on Saturday, Brian found himself outside his friend Sarah’s house. He’d helped her and her partner move in a few weeks ago, and she’d invited him over for video games and pizza. Sarah opened the door with a grin. “Hey Brian! Come on in.”

As Brian stepped inside, he was nearly tacked by a big dog. “Hey there Butch.” He pet the Saint Bernard with a smile, following Sarah to the living room. “How’s Camilla?”

“She’s good!” Sarah smiled at him. “She wanted to hang out, but she got called into work last minute.”

“Damn. I was hoping to hang out with her too.”

“I’ll let her know. Oh! And I heard you had a date last month! Did it go well?”

“...define ‘well’.” Brian shrugged. “She was sweet, but… I don’t know, we didn’t really click. But we’re Facebook friends now.”

“God, it’s the same story every time with you!” Sarah shook her head.

“I don’t try!” He made a soft sound when Butch tried to lay in his lap. “Maybe I’m just not cut out for dating. It seems like every woman I go out with just… isn’t right for me.”

“Maybe you just haven’t found your type yet.” She scratched Butch’s head. “Aside from being so bad at dating, what have you been up to?”

“Well, I’m kind of in a band now? It’s super dumb.”

“You’ve met Butch! You know I love dumb things!”

Brian laughed. “It’s just me and this other guy, Danny. I can’t stand him, but he’s got some good ideas. Our band is called Ninja Sex Party. I’m a ninja with a murder streak a mile wide, and he’s a… Jewish superhero who likes sex? I think.”

Sarah laughed. “Hell yeah, that sounds awesome! Why don’t you like him?”

“He’s just… I don’t know. He’s so peppy and always smiling and he smells like weed. And he’s just.. fuck. He annoys me so much and I don’t know why.”

“Dude, you sound like a fourth grader with a crush.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Sarah.”

“He sounds great, Brian! Why would it be so far fetched to like him?”

Brian gave her a look. “Because I’m straight.”

“Look, all I’m saying is that you don’t exactly have the best track record when it comes to relationships. In fact, you don’t even have a track record with relationships because you’ve never made it to the second date. You find flaws in every woman you get set up with. Actually, no, you don’t find flaws with them. You find excuses to avoid dating them.”

“...That doesn’t mean I’m gay.” He crossed his arms. “It means that… that I’m not relationship material. And I’m… sexist and objectify women?” His voice went up a pitch as he dug for excuses.

“Brian, you’re not sexist.” Sarah let out a long sigh. “What about Vivian? What was wrong with her?”

“Um… she had a job that meant she’d be doing a lot for work. I didn’t want to pin her down in a relationship while she’s working towards her career. Look, I’m just not good at this relationship thing, okay? Can we drop it?”

“Fine, you don’t have a crush on Danny. I’m sorry I suggested it. How’s work going?”

“Good, good.” He nodded, fidgeting a little. “Just… dealing with young adults. It’s fun.”

“You sound like an old man.” She giggled. “You’re only 32.”

He groaned, laying down on his side and cuddling up to Butch. “Sarahhhhhhh I’m so oldddd. Enjoy your days of youth because it only gets worse.” Butch’s tail wagged as he licked Brian’s face, Brian stubbornly holding back a giggle.

“I know you’re doing the whole music thing right now, but have you considered Broadway? You’re certainly plenty dramatic.” Sarah grinned, setting up her gaming system.

“Shut up and let me mope.”

“Yes sir.” She laughed. “It’s cute how Butch is probably taller than you.”

“Be nice to me.” He sat up, absolutely covered in dog fur.

“I’m always nice to you, Brian.” She sat down on the couch, passing him one of the controllers. “Come on, smash time.”

He sighed dramatically, but took the controller to play, smiling just a little.

The hours seemed to fly by as they played round after round, but in the back of his mind, Brian couldn’t stop thinking about what Sarah had said. There was no way he could have a crush on another man, right? He wasn’t homophobic. Of course he wasn’t. He’d never hate Sarah for being a lesbian or another man for being gay. He supported marriage equality to the point that he’d gone to more than one protest to support it. He just… wasn’t gay. He was a straight ally.

“Brian, dude, you’re not even trying!” Sarah was laughing as she kicked his character off the level again, taking the match.

“Sorry. Got distracted.” He sighed, laying his head back against the back of the couch.

The front door opened, making Sarah grin. “Camilla!”

“Sarah!” Camilla laughed, Butch running over to her. “Hey pup.” She scratched Butch’s ears, smiling softly when Sarah walked over to her, pulling her down into a soft kiss.

Brian looked away from them, feeling like he was intruding on a private moment. Sarah smiled softly, squeezing Camilla’s hand. “There’s still some pizza if you’re hungry.”

“That’s the best thing I’ve heard all day.” Camilla flopped on the couch next to Brian. “Hey Brian. How’s it going, man?”

“It’s going.” He smiled at her. “How’s work?”

“It’s work. There’s blood. The usual.”

Brian blinked a moment. “...oh. Somehow, I always forget you’re a nurse.”

She laughed, shoving his arm playfully. “You filled your head up with physics stuff, so now you’re dumb everywhere else in life.”

“How dare you!” Brian grinned. “I’ve never been dumb once in my life. Never.”

“Except when it comes to your love life.” Sarah smirked as she brought Camilla a plate with a slice of pizza.

Camilla grinned. “Oh? Who’s the lucky lady?”

“There is no lucky lady. I’m still single. Your girlfriend just hates me.”

“I don’t hate you Brian. You’re just oblivious and dumb and the worst.”

“How is he oblivious?” Camilla looked at Sarah.

“He’s totally crushing on his bandmate!”

“‘Crushing on’? What is this, the 90s?” Brian raised an eyebrow. “And I don’t have a thing for him!”

“Oh, it’s a him?”

“Camilla, don’t side with her!”

“I have to. It’s the gay law.”

“This friendship is toxic.”

“Britney Spears. That’s the gay law too.”

“I’m not gay!” Brian groaned, covering his face. “You’re just the absolute worst and I think I hate you.”

Sarah patted his shoulder. “No you don’t. You’re just repressed and tired and mad because I’m being totally honest and that intimidates you.”

“I’m not intimidated by you. You’re like four feet tall.”

“I’m 5’3, you jerk.” Sarah pet Butch’s head. “Butch is my compensation.”

“Whatever. You’re just not intimidating.”

“You’ve never seen her in bed.”

“Camilla!” Sarah laughed, blushing. “Oh my god.”

“I didn’t need to hear that. Ew.” Brian sighed, looking at the time. “I should probably get going. I’ve been here all day.”

Sarah nodded, getting up. “I’ll walk you out.” She followed him out to his car. “Hey.”

He looked over as he opened the car door. “Hm?”

“You know… if it turns out you’re not as straight as you think… I know you, and I know you’ll spiral. Call me if it comes to that. I don’t want you to suffer alone.”

“It won’t come to that. But it’s nice to know you care about me.” He smiled faintly at her before getting in his car and heading home.

Eventually, winter turned to spring, and spring turned to summer. Dan and Brian had written quite a few songs together and done several performances. It was fun, and Dan was getting more tolerable. He still wasn’t quite sure what irked him so bad about Dan, but he was finding ways to get under Dan’s skin, which definitely helped him deal with the burning annoyance.

Sarah was absolutely wrong. He didn’t have a crush on Dan. He couldn’t. And yet he couldn’t shake the thought from his head. It was agonizing. He just had to ignore his brain as they worked on their first music video together. They’d hired a director, and several of Dan and Brian’s friends had agreed to help out.

He was grateful for the mask, personally. He wasn’t sure he wanted any of his students to find out exactly what he did in his free time. He wasn’t embarrassed per se, but it just seemed like the kind of thing that could lose him some respect. He was a respected physicist and researcher and liked to be taken seriously. He just didn’t want this to come back to bite him.

As they filmed, Brian found himself staring, Dan the only one in the scene. He couldn’t bring himself to look away, his face slowly turning red. Oh no. Ohhhhh no this was bad. Goddamnit.

He wasn’t quite breathing right, his heart beating too fast as panic began to settle in his chest. He felt… lost.

He knew his expression was one of utter panic, tugging at his mask anxiously. He couldn’t do this. He needed to leave. He needed to run and figure this out. He needed… he didn’t know and- “That’s a wrap for today! We’ll finish up shooting on Saturday at 9 am sharp!”

That’s all Brian needed, and he was off, just grabbing his bag. He wasn’t going to talk to anyone or look at anyone or let anyone see him or-

“Brian!” No. Oh no no no. He couldn’t face Dan right now. Not now. Maybe not ever again.

“I need to leave.” He kept his head down, letting out a shaky breath and walking faster, away from Dan.

“Oh. You don’t want to-”

“No.” He got to his car, his hands shaking as he unlocked it, not looking at Dan or taking off his mask. Brian just drove away, working on staying calm. He had to stay calm. He yanked the mask off at a red light, his hair sticking up in every direction. But he didn’t care, his mind racing too much.

He didn’t really remember the rest of the drive, just knew that he’d gotten himself back to his building, staring emptily at the elevator doors as he went up to his floor. And then he was curled up on the couch, trying to gather his thoughts. Was he gay?

He’d… never wanted to fully pursue a relationship with a woman. There had always been something keeping him from feeling fully involved, and because of that, he just never let himself take that leap. He’d never been attracted to men, though. Or maybe… he was. And he hadn’t let himself process it.

Well, there had been Jamie in middle school. They’d been friends in 7th grade, and Brian had always felt close to him. He’d always been jealous when other people spent time with him. He’d thought he was a jerk. Then there was Tony in high school. They’d gone to their senior prom together. Not together really. They just didn’t have dates and had decided to go as a joke. Brian still had the photos.

And now… Dan. Dan, with his stupid smile and dumb pretty eyes and his stupid curly hair and his laugh and his… everything. Fuck. His hands were still shaking as he picked up his phone. He dialed Sarah’s number, holding it to his ear. “Hello?” He tried to talk, but all that came out was a choked sob. He… he hadn't realized he was even crying, his body just… doing things. “Brian? Oh my god, are you crying? Did something happen? Are you hurt?”

“I… I’m not crying,” he choked out. It was obvious that he was crying. “I’m just… I’m…”

“Hey, deep breaths. Are you panicking?”

“...Don’t know.” He wasn’t sure, his head dizzy. He couldn’t think. “I… I think so.”

“Okay, then I want you to take as many breaths as you can. If you can’t get in a full breath, just get in as much as you can, just do your best.”

Brian let out a sound akin to a whine, but did his best to breathe, curled in on himself tight enough that it hurt, but he couldn't bring himself to move. After awhile, he finally drew in a full breath, wiping at the tears stuck to his cheeks. He wanted a hug. God, he just wanted a hug so insanely bad, but he was alone. “...Sorry.” He let out a long breath, mostly calmed down.

“Don’t apologize. Are you feeling better now?”

“I guess.” He uncurled himself, turning to lay on his back. “I know you just told me not to apologize, but fuck, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize I was panicking before I called. If I had realized, I wouldn’t have.” He draped an arm over his face. “God, it’s just been a day.”

“What happened?” Sarah’s voice was helping him stay grounded.

“...you know when I was over at your place? Like a few months ago?”

“Back in winter? Yeah. Why? Does that have something to do with this?”

“Yeah. Listen, I know you’re going to say I told you so and all that, but please don’t. It’s not going to be helpful at all.” He bit his lip. “When you said that maybe I’m not as straight as I thought I was? ...I think you were right. And I’m confused. And I’m scared. And I’m just not sure what to do.”

There was a long minute of silence. “You know, it’s not a bad thing.”

“I’m not saying it’s a bad thing. I’m saying I’m 34 years old and just now figuring this out when it should’ve been so obvious years ago.”

“You’re not the first person in the community to not figure these things out until later in life. I know it’s hard and scary, but I’m sure there are resources. If you’re not sure what you are, that’s okay.”

“Okay.” Brian sighed, slowly getting up off the couch. He just wanted today to be over. It wasn’t even 8 yet, but he just wanted to go to bed. “I’ll… text you later, Sarah. Tell Camilla I said hey.” He hung up before she could say anything else, standing in his bedroom, feeling lost in his own home. He dropped his phone on the dresser, changing out of his Ninja Brian outfit, throwing it on the dresser by his phone and pulling on pajamas. He flopped in bed and stared at the ceiling until he was pulled into a fitful sleep.

Their video did well online. It did… much better than Brian expected. To the point that he heard two of his students talking about it. When that happened, he just kept his head down, pushing up his glasses as he graded papers. Luckily, they just seemed to focus on Dan, which was all Brian really wanted. He could slip under the radar like that.

Things were a whirlwind for awhile. Work seemed busier than ever, he was still working through his sexuality crisis, and the band was more demanding than he expected. And while Brian wouldn’t say he was avoiding Dan, he couldn’t say he wasn’t either. Then came the most unexpected change, almost two years into becoming a part of NSP.

Brian nervously tapped his fingers against the table as he waited for Dan to show up. It was big, and he didn’t know what to do. He took a long sip of his coffee, looking up as Dan walked over, his hair pulled back into a short ponytail. Which looked… really good. Uncomfortably good, and Brian’s heart did that stupid fluttery thing it kept doing when he was around Dan.

“Hey Brian!” Dan sat down.

“Hey. I got you tea.” He gestured to the cup in front of Dan.

“Thanks!” He grinned brightly. “So, what did you need to talk about?”

“I… got a new job offer.” Brian looked down at the table. “It’s got better pay, some better benefits, and it would be more interesting.”

“...but?”

“But I’d have to relocate.”

“Relocate? Where?”

“California. About an hour out from LA.”

Brian closed his eyes, expecting Dan to tell him it was a bad idea. But that didn’t come. Instead, Dan laughed. “Seriously? That’s awesome!”

“...Is it?”

“Yeah! I’ve been thinking about moving out there, to be honest. I haven’t because I’m dedicated to this. To our band. But… this is an opportunity, Brian! If we want to make it, that’s where we should be!” Dan grinned, taking Brian’s hands.

Brian didn’t pull his hands away this time, but his face heated up at the gesture. “You’re… serious about this?”

“I’m dead serious.” Dan smiled. “Brian, this could be something amazing.”

“...I guess we’re going to California.” Brian laughed a little. “Um, once I accept, which I just need to hit send on an email, I have six weeks to find a new place in California and move out there. It’s a tight schedule, but I have a job to do out there. You, obviously, can move out there whenever’s easiest to you.”

“I know some people out there, so I’ll call them. You get yourself ready to move. Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help.”

Brian smiled. “I’ll head back home and send the email. We still on for writing at my apartment on Sunday?” He stood up.

“Definitely.” Dan stood up too. “You know… I’ve never hugged you. Would you be comfortable if I…?”

“Sure.” Brian slowly nodded, letting out a shocked sound when Dan pulled him into a tight hug. He slowly let himself hug back, holding onto Dan. He… hadn’t really been held like this in a long time. He didn’t realize how bad he’d needed this, holding onto Dan tighter.

“I’m proud of you Brian, you know that?”

Brian blinked. “You’re… proud... of me?”

“Yeah. You’ve worked so hard for this band. You’re a teacher and a scientist, and yet you still find the time to chase this crazy dream with me. About two years ago, we were total strangers. And now we’re so close to releasing a goddamn album together. Without you, I wouldn’t be here. I wouldn’t be chasing my dream like this. I owe you so much. Thank you for everything you’ve done so far, and I hope we can keep chasing this crazy dream together.”

In that moment, Brian suddenly realized what it meant to be head over heels for someone. “...wow, uh… thanks Dan. You too.” Fuck. Fuck that was… the most awkward thing he could’ve said there. “I should… I should go.” He was blushing bright red, grabbing his coffee and stumbling out. “Oh fuck,” he muttered to himself as he started walking home. He was in deep.

It was a blur. He accepted the job, found a place he’d be able to afford, ended his lease, and started packing. On the last Saturday before he left, Camilla and Sarah came over to help him finish up packing. “God, I can’t believe it.”

Brian smiled a little. “Yeah. I never thought I’d be moving to California. I was out there awhile in college, but… this is going to be my home now.”

Camilla smiled. “We’ll miss you, but you have to promise to call.”

“Obviously. You two are my favorite lesbians.”

Sarah rolled her eyes. “Yeah, because you know so many.”

“You two aren’t the only lesbians I know! I know several.” Brian grinned, packing up his books. There were a lot of books.

“You’re our most appreciated ally.” Camilla smiled.

Brian looked over at Sarah, who shrugged. “I didn’t want to tell her. It’s not my place.”

He sighed. “Camilla, I’m not an ally. I’m just… gay, I think.”

Camilla gasped. “You are? That’s great Brian! I always suspected you were, but hey, you’re the only one who can figure that kind of thing out.”

“I’m still figuring it out, honestly. I’m not really sure if I’m attracted to women or not. I mean I’ve figured out that I’m definitely attracted to men, but beyond that? I’m clueless.”

“You said it, not me,” Sarah muttered, grinning.

“Hey!”

“No more clueless than you were, darling.” Camilla laughed. “But seriously Brian, I’m proud of you. This stuff isn’t easy to figure out, and as you get older, it certainly doesn’t get easier. I’m proud of you for being brave enough to even say it out loud.” She smiled.

“...Thank you, Camilla.” He was blushing faintly, looking down at the ground. He just wasn’t good with compliments. It was just hard for him to think that anything he did was worthy of praise. “It’s not a big deal though. I’m gonna go pack my clothes.” He slipped away to his bedroom before anything more could be said. 

He started shoving shirts in a box, trying to collect his thoughts. He was excited for the move. Kind of. He was also terrified. He wasn’t the best at adjusting to change. Not that anyone knew that. He just tried to make himself seem flexible and well adjusted, but really, change freaked him out and he hated it.

Sarah leaned on the doorway, watching him pack. “You don’t even fold them? What are you, a gremlin?”

“I’ll fold when I unpack.” He shrugged.

“Hm.” She sat on his bed. “When do you leave?”

“Wednesday morning. I’ll get there by Saturday if I drive 12 hours a day, traffic factored in.”

“How are you feeling about all this?”

“...”

“Brian?”

“I’m… really fucking scared.” He sighed. “I’ve never moved this far before. And there’s no backing out. Once I’m there… there isn’t any turning back.”

“Hey, you’re a smart guy, you know what you’re doing. It’ll be just like it is here, just hotter and with less rain.” Sarah moved to squeeze his shoulder, smiling gently.

“...Thanks. I guess I’m just jittery. It’s a 42 hour drive, not counting traffic, so I’m… anticipating that, to put it lightly.”

“Why not just fly out?”

“I did the math, and even though renting a truck is far more expensive than I expected, it’s still cheaper than a plane ticket and the shipping costs for my stuff.”

“Well, Camilla and I got you this.” She pulled a gift card out of her pocket. “Don’t use coffee as a replacement for sleep, but it’ll help keep you alert.”

Brian hesitated a moment, but gave her a tight hug. “Thank you. I’m going to miss you so much…”

“We’re going to miss you too. But this is what’s best for you. Once you and Danny hit it big, you better do a concert nearby.”

“Deal. And you better invite me to your wedding.”

“Hey, if you’re looking at that, tell the courts to get their asses in gear.” She laughed softly. “But you’re the first person on the guest list.” She slowly let go of him, ending the hug.

Brian sighed. “I love you, you know that?”

“I love you too. You’re like the brother I never had.” She squeezed his hands.

“You’re a wonderful woman, and I know you and Camilla are going to be happy together forever. If you break up, I’ll never believe in love again.” He paused. “That sounded oddly threatening.”

“It did, but I get your point and I think it was sweet. Now, let’s get your shit packed. Then we’ll buy you dinner.”

Bright and early Wednesday morning, Brian was on his way. If anyone had asked him about the trip, he wouldn’t be totally sure how to answer. Everything after the first few hours was a blur of coffee, street signs, and the occasional stop for sleep or candy. But he made it in one piece.

He sighed, heading inside the small house for the first time. Renting it without ever seeing it had been a risk, but it looked like it had been worth it. He sat down on the steps up to the attic, yawning as he dialed Dan’s number.

“Brian, hey! Make it out there safe?”

“Hey Dan. Yeah, made it in one piece. I’m absolutely exhausted, but I’m here.”

“Good, I’m glad to hear it! Uh, I have a friend out there who’s gonna let me crash at his place awhile. I’ll get a job and all that nonsense, and then… I guess we’ll be in California!”

“Guess so.” Brian smiled tiredly, rubbing his eyes. “Keep me updated, okay? I’m going to drag my couch inside and nap for a few hours before unpacking.” He yawned again.

“You sound so worn out, man… take care of yourself. And good luck with the new job!”

“Thanks Danny. I’ll see you soon.”

“Bye Brian!”

He did, dragging the heavy couch inside, locking the door, and just collapsing. He got himself up after a few hours of much needed sleep, starting to bring everything in. He had a dinner of gummy worms and half a coke, showering with the small travel bottles he’d brought. And then he collapsed again, laying in bed. He hadn’t unpacked much, just the things he needed. He could deal with that later. 

Over the next month, Brian found himself getting settled. He got most of his stuff unpacked, bought some more furniture to fill the empty space, and started his new job. It really was just like he’d been doing before, except in California. He also found himself doodling a lot more than he used to.

He was sitting on the porch on a Friday evening, back home from work. He was idly sipping a beer as he just let himself rest. Then a car he didn’t recognize pulled into his driveway. He squinted, smiling when he saw who it was.

Dan got out, grinning at him. “Hey Brian!”

“I thought you weren’t moving until next week!”

Dan shrugged, grinning. “My flight was overbooked so I was able to get an earlier one! My stuff won’t be here until next week, but that’s fine.” He laughed. “It’s good to see you, though! How are you adjusting?”

“I’m doing good.” Brian got up, letting himself be pulled into a hug. “I’m glad you made it out here safe.” He smiled. “Would you like to come in?”

“Sure!” Dan grinned, pushing hair out of his face as he followed Brian inside. “This is nice!”

“Yeah. It’s cozy.” He set his beer down on the table with a small smile.

“So, have you, uh, consummated the new place yet?” Dan wiggled his eyebrows.

Brian blushed bright red. “Dan, please stop talking forever.”

“Fine, fine.” Dan giggled, but backed off.

Brian shook his head with a long sigh. “So, you’re staying with a friend?”

“Yeah. He lives about 20 minutes away from here. I’m looking for my own place, but that might take some time. I’ll have to find a job too, but I think I’ll be fine there.” Dan walked around the living room, softly trailing his fingers over Brian’s keyboard.

Brian smiled. “I’ve got a notebook of ideas for when you’re ready to get back into music.”

“I have so many ideas too.” Dan laughed, smiling brightly at him. And Brian’s heart did that stupid fluttery thing again. He’d hoped being away from Dan for a month would be enough to make it stop. He hated that it hadn’t been enough. Dan tilted his head. “Brian? You doing okay? Your face just… dropped.”

“I’m fine, don’t worry.” He waved Dan off, clearing his throat. “So… once you’re settled in, we can sit down and get some writing done.”

“Sounds good.” Dan nodded, sitting on the couch. “...I missed you. I know it was only a month, but we’ve just been around each other so often that it was weird to not have you snarking at me.” He laughed. “Maybe it’s dumb, but you’re like… my best friend in the world.”

“Oh.” Brian blushed, looking over at Dan. “You’re… my best friend too. And… I guess I kind of missed you too.” He smiled a little. “I’m excited to get back into music.”

“Things are going to be great.” Dan held a hand up, and Brian laughed, giving him a high five.

“I think we can earn a Grammy by 2012. What do you think?”

“Uh, we’re amazing, so fuck yeah.”

They weren’t going to earn a Grammy by 2012. They were, however, gaining quite a bit of traction. They were making quite a few music videos, putting them up online. Brian had been offered a position in London, but ended up turning it down, just not finding the move worth it.

During one of their writing sessions, Dan let out a gasp when he checked his email. “Brian, dude, someone’s offering to animate one of our songs!”

Brian looked up from the music he was writing out, raising an eyebrow. “Really?”

“Yeah!” Dan grinned, showing Brian the email. “Also, your glasses are falling down your nose.”

Brian rolled his eyes, pushing them up. He took the phone, reading the email. “Hm… See if we can meet up with him. It could be interesting.”

Dan nodded, grinning excitedly. “Look at us! We’re a real band now!”

“I think we’ve been a ‘real band’ since we first started.” Brian was smiling affectionately though, watching as Dan excitedly wrote out an email.

“Shut up, pretentious jerk.” Dan giggled. “You know what I mean!” 

“I know, I know.” He grinned. “Did he just say he wants to animate a video for us, or did he get specific?”

“Just a video.”

“I’m thinking Dinosaur Laser Fight could look good animated. Maybe some live action bits too.” Brian flipped through his notebook, humming under his breath and tapping his pen on the table.

“Yeah, that’s good.” Dan stretched in his chair, his shirt going up just a little bit.

It took a few seconds for Brian to rip his eyes away, his cheeks flushing red. “Mhm, uh… anything else we need to go over for today?”

“I don’t think so. We can look into finding a studio to record at next week.” Dan got up, grinning. “I’ll text you if the guy can meet up with us!” He grabbed his bag, heading out of Brian’s house.

Brian covered his face, which was still warm with his blush, and sighed shakily. He needed to get over this dumb crush already.

He got a text from Dan the next day. In the middle of class. He wasn’t really strict about cell phones in his class, but it was still embarrassing to be in the middle of a lecture and realize he hadn’t silenced his phone. He cursed Dan quietly, turning his phone off and shoving it in his pocket with a sigh.

But they were scheduled to meet up with Arin. Brian found himself weirdly nervous about it, drumming his fingers against the table as he waited with Dan. “I swear, I’m the only one who understands the virtue of being on time anymore. You’re constantly late when we agree to meet up, this Arin guy is ten minutes late, and like 5 of my students were late today.”

“You’re jittery.” Dan raised an eyebrow at Brian. “You okay? You’re usually less fidgety, despite the amount of sugar you put in your coffee.”

“I don’t like bitter things. I just like caffeine.” Brian sighed. “I don’t know. I’m nervous. And it’s weird.”

“How is it weird? I mean, I’m a little nervous too!”

“Because I just don’t get nervous like this.” Which was a lie. Brian was constantly nervous. He was always able to find something to be anxious about and maybe he needed to talk to someone about it. But he didn’t usually get so nervous that he couldn’t contain it and sit still. ...He knew why he was nervous though. He didn’t know Arin. He was scared that working with another person would make Dan realize that Brian wasn’t anything special. He was scared that Dan would want nothing to do with him after this. He was scared he’d be alone, and even if he did want his dumb crush to go away, he didn’t want Dan to go away.

“I’m sure it’ll be fine.” Dan reached over to give Brian’s hand a reassuring squeeze, but before his hand even touched Brian’s, someone walked over to their table. Dan looked up and smiled. “Hey, you must be Arin!”

Brian swallowed back the disappointment of the lack of contact, looking up. Arin was tall. Definitely taller than Brian, at least as tall as Dan. His hair was down to his chin, a blonde streak running through it. And… he was actually pretty attractive. Brian felt weird just thinking that, even if he’d never say anything about it, it just felt intrusive to think of Arin like that. “Um, yeah! It’s really cool to meet you two. I’m a huge fan.”

Brian shifted over in the booth so Arin could sit down. Arin would probably want to talk to Dan more, anyway. “It’s nice to meet you, Arin.”

Arin grinned at him, bright and excited. Brian managed a faint smile in return. Dan took the lead of the conversation, asking Arin questions Brian never would have thought of. Brian was just kind of… there for it. It felt odd to just kind of exist while the two talked. And there just seemed to be an instant connection between the two. Brian didn’t understand why it hurt so much. He had no reason to be jealous or feel like this.

He was shrinking into himself as the conversation turned away from music and animation to random things. Dan and Arin talked like old friends, and Brian was just there. He felt like he was intruding. He hated it, hated the ache in his chest and the way he just wanted to leave and go home and lay down until he could suffocate these stupid feelings.

Finally, finally, the conversation was dying down. And Brian had said maybe three words, not counting his greeting to Arin. God, he just felt dumb. “I think you’ll do a great job, Arin.”

Arin blinked, almost like he’d forgotten Brian was there. Good. Brian was fine with that. He was fine with that and it didn’t matter because he didn’t matter. This was more Dan’s thing anyway. “Thanks! I’m really excited to get started.”

“I can’t wait to see what you come up with!” Dan smiled, shaking Arin’s hand. “We’ll keep in touch through the whole process.”

Arin nodded excitedly. “I’ll do my best to make this extra amazing!” He shook Brian’s hand before leaving.

Dan smiled happily. “He’s great! I’m so excited! Are you excited?”

“...I’m excited.” It took him a long second to get the words out, and he couldn’t even force himself to smile. “I’m not feeling well. I’m gonna head home.”

“Oh.” Dan frowned. “Um… text me later, I guess. Let me know when you’re feeling better.”

“Mhm.” Brian left with his head down, covering his face with a long groan. He absolutely hated emotions. He just went home and laid down, pretending he wasn’t hurt and exhausted and hungry. He just didn’t have the energy to get up.

Brian got over it. He shoved everything down where he couldn’t feel it anymore. He didn’t think about Dan unless it was for music. He didn’t think about other men being attractive. He didn’t think about being disappointed or being lonely. He just pushed through.

In fact, he managed to start having more fun. He felt like a ticking time bomb sometimes, but it was okay. He started spending more time around Dan, he befriended Arin, and they actually came up with some interesting ideas. Even after the animation was done-and it looked amazing, Arin had done a great job and it got some really good responses-Arin just kind of… stuck around.

They were going to start a new band. Brian was wary at best, but he and Dan had released their first album, their second on the way, and it actually had some decent success. Brian wasn’t sure why he was so blindsided by success, but it was just shocking that this weird project that they’d been working on for almost 4 years was… well, working.

And then, another shock. Arin had found himself… very suddenly without a cohost for his gaming channel. Dan had already been planning to join for a smaller show with one of Arin’s friends (Brian couldn’t remember his name), but this was a far bigger commitment. Dan had sat down with Brian and had a long talk with him about what this would mean. Ultimately, Dan took the leap.

And the ticking time bomb went off. He was stupidly into Dan still, and as the first episodes came out, Brian watched them. He heard the way Arin flirted with Dan. Which he could deal with. But Dan’s disgust. The way he sounded so uncomfortable, beyond his playful jokiness… it hurt. And it scared Brian. What if Dan found out Brian was gay? What if he figured out that Brian… wanted to be with him?

He was scared that Dan would say the same things that ran through his head. That he was disgusting and creepy. And he began to withdraw into himself again, worried that Dan would find him out. That anyone would find him out.

“Hey Brian.” Arin smiled, sitting down across from him and Dan. They were at Arin and Suzy’s (Brian thought Suzy was amazing. She was sweet and kind and Brian just liked spending time with her. She was such a cool person to have as a friend.) house, working on writing out some new tracks.

“Hi Arin.” Brian didn’t even look up, tapping his pen on the table as he wrote out melodies.

“So, I have a proposal for you.”

“I’m flattered, Arin, really. But I don’t want to be a homewrecker.” The joke slipped out without a thought.

Arin snorted. “Damn, I’m heartbroken. But seriously, I want to offer you a job.”

Brian looked up, blinking. “...what?”

“Well, we’re growing. And I’m looking into renting actual office space. We’re becoming more of an actual business, and I’m looking into employee benefits and all that. That means there are more seats that need to be filled, more jobs to be done. And if you’re interested, I have a feeling that with your finesse, intelligence, and wit, I could find a place for you.” Arin smiled at him.

Brian bit his lip, eyes darting over to Dan. If he worked with him… that would be more time around him, and he felt like he was hardly holding it together as it was now. “I… don't know, Arin. I’m comfortable where I am now, and I really like my job at the university…”

“You don’t have to answer now! Just think about it?”

“I’ll think about it.” Brian sighed softly, looking back down at his notebook. He could feel Arin and Dan staring at him, but didn’t look up again. He already knew he wasn’t going to. All in the nature of self preservation.

Dan reached over, softly resting a hand on Brian’s arm. Brian almost flinched away, something he hadn’t felt the urge to do in years. He kept his outward demeanor calm though. “Dude, you really don’t want to work with us?”

“It’s nothing against you. I mean, don’t I already work with you guys? You’d get tired of me if I spent any more time with you.” Brian smiled a little. “I’m happy where I am now. I like research and teaching, and obviously I love music. It’s a good position for me.”

“Alright…” Dan sighed.

Arin smiled, ruffling Dan’s hair to make him giggle. “Well, if you ever change your mind, the offer’s there. I’d love to have you on board, but only on your terms.”

“That’s sweet of you Arin.” Brian shook his head, but was smiling softly.

Arin was… a little persistent for a few months, reminding Brian that the offer was open. But he just wasn’t ready to face Dan more often than he was. Which was becoming more and more often as he poured more of his time into both bands, still working his usual job at the university.

But he had less time for rest and for himself. He was a little more… pent up than usual, but it wasn’t bad at all. He was a little tired, but time was flying, they had concerts and albums coming out, and Dan just seemed to get prettier by the day as Brian got… grayer by the day. It was almost unfair how much Dan hurt his heart.

He was losing sleep to be honest. And it all came to a peak after nearly two years after Arin first offered the job. 

It was Saturday morning, and Brian had no business being awake as early as it was. But he’d woken up and couldn’t get back to sleep. As he was getting out of the shower, his foot slipped. His head narrowly avoided bashing against the counter as he went down. He didn’t quite catch himself as he hit the ground, and his shin smashed against the ledge on the bottom of the shower. He cursed loudly, half wrapped in a towel.

He laid on the floor, panting softly in pain. He reached up, grabbing the edge of the counter and easing to his feet. Foot. He tried to stand on both legs, but it was too painful. With a gasp, he put his weight back on one leg. He limped to his bed, sitting down heavily.

Brian groaned, laying down and not even caring that he had barely dried off. It was a radiating, throbbing pain, his shin already bruising up and swelling. He touched it carefully, letting out a cry of pain. “Fuck!”

He took hard breaths, blinking back pained tears as he grabbed his phone. He hesitated when he reached Dan’s contact, scrolling past it and picking to call Arin instead. He was shaking. He was shaking a lot. “Hello?” Arin’s sleepy voice came through the phone.

“A-Arin, hey, I need help.”

“Brian? What’s wrong?”

“I fell when I was getting out of the shower and I think my leg is broken.” His voice was rushed, and he was practically tripping over his words. “I need to be driven to the hospital.”

“Honey? What’s wrong?” Brian could hear Suzy’s sleepy voice through the phone, and a pang of guilt went through him.

“Sorry for waking you up.”

“Don’t worry about it, Brian, you’re hurt. I’ll be there in 10. Just stay calm.” Arin hung up.

Brian flopped back down, sighing. Shit. He texted Arin to let him know where the spare key was hidden, closing his eyes to try and ignore the pain. He just needed to stay calm.

And he actually did a pretty good job ignoring the radiating bone pain. He kept his eyes shut, breathing heavily.

“Brian?” Arin’s voice came down the hall.

“In the bedroom,” he called back through gritted teeth, adjusting the towel so he was covered.

“Fuck, Brian. That looks.. Really not good.”

“No shit.” He weakly sat up. “Can you get me something to wear? I’d rather not be nude…”

“Oh! Right.” Arin grabbed him a shirt, boxers, and a pair of shorts from the dresser. “Here. Be careful.”

“No. I’m going to break my leg more.” Brian rolled his eyes, pulling on his shirt as Arin turned around. He flinched as he put on pants, bending awkwardly. He muttered curses, letting out a long sigh. “Ow.”

Arin frowned, offering his hands to Brian. “Let’s get you to the hospital.”

Brian nodded, letting Arin help him up. “Let me just get my wallet. I need my insurance card.” He sighed softly. “Not that it’s going to help much.”

Arin frowned, but didn’t say anything as he helped Brian out of the house, sitting him in the car. “Try not to move too much and just sit tight.” He got in, looking over at Brian, who was looking pale. “Did you call Dan?”

“No. I don’t need to bother him with this.”

Arin furrowed his brow as he started driving. “Two points of logic against that. One, you act like you’re a burden, which is not at all true. And two, you’re not concerned about bothering me? I’m hurt.”

“You don’t get it. I already get on his nerves enough. I figure I’ve got some extra time with you before you hate me.” Brian sighed softly, wincing when he moved his leg too much.

“I’m not gonna hate you. You’re hurt and needed help.” Arin frowned. “Do you really think that lowly of yourself?”

“I don’t think lowly of myself. I already know I’m practically the greatest person ever.” Brian crossed his arms, staring out the window.

“...right.” Arin looked over at Brian, but let it drop. It was uncomfortably silent the rest of the drive. They both let out relieved sighs when Arin pulled into the hospital parking lot. He helped Brian out, supporting him as they slowly headed in.

Brian hated how helpless he felt, wanting to snap at Arin. He didn’t want to be touched, didn’t want to feel like this. But he just silently let himself he helped inside. He talked to the receptionist, who gave him the paperwork he needed to fill out. He sat down heavily, Arin sitting down next to him, watching him fill out the paperwork.

“...your middle name is Alexander?”

“Mhm.” Brian sighed, rolling his eyes. “What’s yours?”

“Joseph.” He hummed. “You know, I actually don’t know Dan’s middle name.”

Brian stared at Arin for a long moment before looking back at the papers. “You should absolutely ask him.” He smirked a little, but it fell away when someone bumped into his leg, making him hiss a curse.

“Fuck, you okay?” Arin rested a hand on Brian’s arm, worried.

Brian knocked Arin’s hand away. “Fine.” He sighed shakily, filling out the last few things on the paperwork and leaning his head back, closing his eyes.

Arin took the paperwork back up to the desk, and all they could do was wait. Arin was doing something on his phone, and Brian was just breathing deeply, trying to ignore the pain. At one point, Arin took Brian’s hand, letting him squeeze as hard as he needed. “I’m not giving birth,” he muttered, but squeezed Arin’s hand tight anyway.

Finally, after nearly an hour and a half, a nurse called his name, bringing out a wheelchair. He let Arin help him in the wheelchair, sighing softly. His leg fucking hurt.

They got through the process of x-rays and poking at his leg, which Brian was just kind of out of it for. He was tired and in pain, so he was half delirious. Finally, the doctor explained the type of fracture and told him he’d need a cast. The only upside was that he got to pick a yellow cast. By the time he got the cast put on and got a prescription for pain killers, it was well into the afternoon.

“I am… insanely hungry right now.”

Arin smiled, helping Brian steady himself on the crutches. “I’ll buy you lunch.”

“You’re an angel.” Brian was moving slow on the crutches, unsteady on his… foot.

He sighed, half collapsing as he got in the car. “I feel fucking helpless with this on.”

“You’re not helpless, Brian. You’re just off balance.” Arin squeezed his shoulder, starting to drive. “You’ll feel better once you eat something.”

“Yeah… god, I know Dan makes old man jokes about me, but god, I broke my leg from falling while getting out of the shower.” He groaned, covering his face.

Arin fell quiet for a long moment, the silence stretching until they were seated in the diner Arin stopped at. “Brian, I want to talk to you, and I want you to fully hear me out until I’m done talking.”

“...okay? Um, go for it.” Brian raised an eyebrow.

“I want to offer you a job.” He held up a hand before Brian could cut in. “I want to hire you to work on Game Grumps. I think you could make a great addition to our team. Specifically, I’d want to hire you to be our social media manager. You’re funny, you’re smart, and you’ve gotten along with all of us so well from what I’ve seen so far. But really, I think it’d do you good. Last month, you got strep throat and didn’t want to go see a doctor because it would be too expensive. I know you don’t get very good health insurance. If you worked for me, you’d have a much better policy.”

“...you want me to work for you. For the insurance. You want me to be a health insurance slut?”

“Well, I wasn’t going to put it like that!” Arin laughed. “But you stretch yourself so thin between two bands and two different jobs at the university. At some point, you’ll burn yourself out. And when push comes to shove, which job are you going to want to keep? I don’t want to sound like I’m belittling you, but at some point, you’ll be forced to make that choice. You don’t have to answer now, but think about it. And not in the sense that you’ll say you’ll think about it but won’t.”

“...I’ll give it some actual thought. I promise.”

Brian… did give it some thought. And he did math. A lot of math on a small chalkboard while leaning on one crutch. That’s how Dan found him when he showed up to do some songwriting. “...what happened to your leg?” He looked at the chalkboard. “And when did you get a chalkboard? And what’s with the math?”

“Lot of questions there, man.” Brian sighed. “I broke my leg this morning and Arin took me to the hospital. I’ve had a chalkboard for a long time, I just keep it in the attic because I don’t use it. And the math is me weighing the advantages and disadvantages of quitting my job.”

“You broke your leg? And you’re thinking about quitting your job?” Dan frowned. “Has it been an eventful day?”

“Yeah.” He sighed. “My insurance sucks, so Arin wants me to be an insurance slut to him.”

“Makes sense.” Dan rolled his eyes. “But it’d be fun to have you working with us!”

“Yeah, I’ll have time to finally write The Beej II, the Beejening.”

“...Beejening?”

“Yup.” Brian laughed. The painkillers were making him… a little high.

“I think I’m gonna do it. It’ll be better for me in the long run and I’ll be making more money, which means I shouldn’t have to worry so much about affording doctor’s visits when I’m hurt or sick.” He shrugged. “It’s just for the best, I think.”

Dan grinned, hugging Brian tightly. “I can’t wait!”

Brian let out a startled sound, grabbing onto Dan tighter as he started falling. Dan squeaked, managing to keep him from hitting the floor, guiding him to the couch. Brian was blushing, his face crushed against Dan’s chest. It was… not a position he minded being in.

Brian did end up quitting his job, and over the next month, he transitioned into starting work at the office, taking over the social media. It wasn’t the most accessible while on crutches, but that was fine. He’d let Ross doodle on his cast at one point. Ross had drawn like three dicks on it. It was absolutely stellar.

But… Arin wanted him and Dan to make a video together. In the small recording room. Alone. And Brian, who was dealing with his feelings for Dan, trying to smother them, just couldn’t bring himself to do it. Then Arin stepped in and offered to do it with them. And finally, in mid autumn, they got around to it, introducing Brian as a member of the channel. Brian made sure Arin was in the middle between them.

And god, it was fun. Brian found himself laughing harder than he had in awhile. He’d never been around Arin in his element. Well, there was Starbomb, of course. But this was extra fun. He kind of loved it.

The cast came off after nearly three months, and he was a little shaky, the muscles in his leg weaker. He’d tripped and fallen in the office multiple times, which Ross was quick to tease him about. Brian liked Ross. He was fun to argue with and tease, and they were quickly becoming good friends.

Barry too. They were both great guys, and since one of them was usually hanging around, it made working with Dan a lot easier. He could use them as a type of… buffer for his feelings, and he could push them down easier. He spent a decent amount of time working on dumb tweets for the twitter, and slowly, he started spending more time recording with Ross and Barry.

And he thought maybe his feelings were finally easing away. But they weren’t, and as he started to get more comfortable with Dan again, it just hit him full force in the chest when Dan laughed at one of his dumb jokes, and his hair was falling in his face, and he was smiling.

And Dan was unfairly beautiful. Brian felt disgusted in himself for just looking at Dan sometimes. He hated his stupid feelings, pouring his misery into Spotify playlists and calls to Sarah. 

Sarah and Camilla were better than ever. They’d adopted a collie and named her Doe, and she and Butch were getting along pretty well. They were thinking about getting married, now that they actually could, but it was less about actually getting married and more about actually planning it.

Brian missed them. A lot. He needed to figure out a time to go visit them.

But he carried on as he always did, cramming his feelings down into the deepest part of his gut and ignoring them. He was excited to film music videos, the guys always so much fun to work with when they were in the background. Their longest song yet was coming together, and Brian was making videos with Barry and Ross.

Things couldn’t stay perfect forever though, and he found himself being confronted with all the things he kept hidden very suddenly. He’d left his phone on his desk when recording with Barry, a dumb mistake. And that’s how it happened. 

Dan was walking around the office, stretching his legs as he thought up new lyrics and ideas. His eyes were drawn to Brian’s messy desk, seeing the phone laying on it. He grinned, picking it up and turning on the screen, but it was password protected. “...aw.”

“It’s the first six numbers in pi, I think.” Ross turned in his chair to watch Dan. “I watched him put it in one day.”

“Is it? What a nerd.” Dan tapped the numbers, grinning when it worked.

“Why are you going through his phone?”

“Because he probably has secrets! He never talks to me anymore.” Dan pouted.

“I don’t think going through his stuff will fix that. But I want dirt on him.” Ross got up, peeking over Dan’s shoulder.

Dan started looking through Brian’s photos, mostly finding dumb selfies with everyone around the office and saved photos of Sarah, Camilla, Butch, and Doe. He’d also saved some NSP fanart, though some was borderline risqué, which made Dan giggle. Then he opened Spotify, curiously looking through what Brian had recently played. “...a lot of love songs.”

Ross hummed. “I didn’t pin him for the romantic type.”

“Didn’t pin who for the romantic type?” Brian walked over, done with recording. And then his heart dropped to his stomach when he saw Dan holding his phone. 

“You.” Dan grinned, showing Brian the screen as Brian snatched his phone back. “Do you have a crush?”

Brian paled about six shades. “N-no! I don’t!”

“On who? Who is she?”

And Brian just wanted to cry right there, but he held himself mostly together. “It’s none of your business! The things on my phone are none of your business, and you have no right to go through my things!” He was scared and upset and felt sick.

There was an awful flash of realization in Ross’s eyes, and Brian could see the way he was calculating things in his head, eyes glancing between Brian and Dan. “...oh.”

Dan frowned. “I didn’t mean to-“

“Just go away Dan! Leave me alone!” Brian’s voice had a panicky tinge to it, but Dan just recoiled, looking like a scolded child.

“...okay.” Dan quietly walked away, Ross watching him go. Brian’s eyes turned to the floor. He could feel everyone staring, could feel tightness in his chest as he fought to keep his breathing steady.

“...do you… like Dan?” Ross’s voice was quiet, the kindest Brian had ever heard it.

He felt like he was being pitied, and it added to the ache in his stomach. “I’m going home. See you tomorrow.”

Brian grabbed his keys, keeping his eyes dead ahead, not looking at anyone or talking to anyone, just needing to get home before he fell apart.

He crashed hard when he got home, having a full blown panic attack with scared texts to Sarah, consumed by the fear that he’d be fired, that he’d be rejected, that everyone would hate him. That Dan would hate him. He hadn’t ever been this scared in his life. He was breaking at the seams, falling apart. He wanted these feelings gone. 

Brian swore the feelings were bigger than his body, that they were ripping him apart from the inside, that he wouldn’t even be whole by the time he purged them from his body. 

The funny thing was that he couldn’t get them out of his body. The shame and fear and anxiety just… lingered. It stuck to him, making him feel sick and unable to eat or think. 

He didn’t sleep that night. And he was exhausted as he made his way into work the next morning, weighed down by the lingering threads of his panic and the new heaviness of utter dread. 

“Brian, can I talk to you?”

And the other shoe was dropping. Okay, maybe that wasn’t the right term. He didn’t know. He just knew this was the end. Well, it had been a good run for him. 

He reluctantly followed Arin into his small side office. “I’ll… clean out my desk.”

“What?” Arin frowned, looking at Brian.

“...aren’t you firing me?”

“What? God no. Look, I’ve just heard some… rumors that you have a crush on Dan.”

“It was Ross, wasn’t it?” Brian crossed his arms over his chest.

“He didn’t say that exactly. He said it was implied by some things you said yesterday.” Arin shrugged.

“I mean… I don’t know. Feelings are complicated and I hate them and I’m only pretty sure I’m gay and honestly I feel like shit because of that and it hurts to feel that every day but I don’t know how not to feel it because it’s been more than half a decade and I don’t remember what it’s like to just feel like a person.” The words poured out. All the things he’d wanted to say, all the things held tight to his chest… he’d said them. And now he was pretty sure there was vomit behind the words. Except he hadn’t eaten in nearly two days because of being too busy and then the panic attack so there was nothing to throw up.

“...wow.” Arin blinked, staring at him. “You’ve felt like this for that long?” Brian meekly nodded. “Well… I can tell you that if you are gay, no one is going to judge you for that. I mean, they keep it quiet, but Ross and Barry have been dating for nearly three years. And Suzy and I are both bisexual. If you have a thing for Dan, no one’s going to say a word.”

“Except Dan, who is openly repulsed at being with another man?” Brian sighed softly. “Just… please. I know what you’re trying to do. But you’re kind of making me feel worse, so I’m just going to let things go back to normal, and I need you to never tell Dan a word of this conversation. I just want to go back to how things were. It’s easier that way.”

Before Arin could say a word, Brian walked out. All eyes were on him. Except Dan, who was blissfully unaware.

And Brian felt sick. He’d just wanted to hide this all. If he pretended it wasn’t there, it was okay. But now they all knew. If he thought it wouldn’t draw suspicion, he would’ve gone into the bathroom to just cry. But instead, he kept it all swallowed back. And his brain whispered all the things wrong with him, reminding him all the reasons he was undeserving of love, especially from Dan.

The day was spent feeling choked, wanting to cry or scream or claw at his throat because he swore there was a hand squeezing too tight. But it was just the emotions. He felt like he would explode, the pressure too much. It felt like emotions were just too big for his body anymore.

He stayed near silent the whole day, keeping on headphones so no one would talk to him. He just stared at his computer and focused on breathing. He’d break down when he got home.

Except, when he got home, he couldn’t. The emotions were stuck, pressed so deep down he couldn’t find them. He wanted them out of his body, wanted to get them out. But he couldn’t. His tears were of angry frustration that he couldn’t even find his fear anymore.

He had withdrawn too much. He should’ve just broken down in the bathroom.

Brian felt the growing distance between himself and… everyone. He sat further away from Barry when recording. He ducked away when Arin tried to hug him. Conversations with Suzy were stilted on a good day.

And he was trying so desperately to stay away from Dan. He refused to let anyone touch him. Especially Dan. When writing song ideas, it became a split process. Dan gave him lyrics, he wrote music. Brian sent his recordings ahead to the studio. Dan recorded lyrics while Brian was conveniently busy.

Even during concerts, which had become more important, their chemistry was off, and Brian kept his distance. He felt so emotionally vulnerable and empty that he just refused to allow anyone to try to fill those gaps. 

And Dan, though sometimes oblivious, he wasn’t blind. Brian was deliberately avoiding him. He didn’t understand why, and he especially didn’t understand the pain along with it. Why was Brian so cold towards him? Had he said something?

Dan saw the way the others looked at Brian. Sympathetic gazes, staring that they jerked away from when Brian saw… there was some kind of worry. And that honestly scared Dan. 

When he asked what was going on with Brian, he was met with silence, with long pauses and excuses and lies. And this went on for nearly half a year, with the space growing colder and colder.

Dan had been lying awake one night, just staring at the ceiling, filled with worry. And he realized something. He texted Arin quickly before curling up to try and sleep.

‘Coffee. 8 am tomorrow. Bring Suzy if she wants to come.’

Dan was staring down at his cup of tea when Arin and Suzy came in. Suzy sat down across from Dan as Arin went to get drinks. “Is everything okay, Dan?”

“Yeah. No. ...maybe?” Dan took a sip of his tea. “I need to talk and figure things out. It’s just so complicated.”

Suzy reached over to softly squeeze his hand. “Well, whatever it is, we’ll do anything we can to help, okay?”

Dan nodded, and they fell quiet until Arin came back with his and Suzy’s drinks, kissing her cheek as he sat down. “So. What’s going on, Dan?”

He let out a quiet sigh. “Brian’s been… distant lately. Like, he hardly talks to me, takes hours to answer my texts, and we barely even collaborate in our fucking band. Hell, he just took a week off and left to New Jersey with no warning. And it hurts really bad. And I don’t know why it hurts so bad.” Dan was looking down at the table.

Arin frowned. “Brian is… he’s going through a rough time right now, I think.”

“I’m… so worried. And I’m scared, and I miss him.”

Suzy sighed. “I’m sorry. I don’t know anything. He’s just been so utterly withdrawn. He hardly talks to anyone anymore.”

“The worst part is that I think… I think I’m getting feelings for him. It’s scary.”

Arin’s eyes widened. “Wait, what?”

“I know, I know…” Dan sighed tiredly. “It’s terrifying. I’ve never felt this way about another person, not this strongly. And for my bandmate? Another man? God, this is just… Not how things normally go for me. I’m kind of scared, to be honest. I don’t know what to do, and if I tell him, I’m worried things will get weird between us.”

Arin reached over to give Dan’s hand a comforting squeeze. “I think you should talk to him when he gets home. I honestly think it’ll go way better than you expect.”

 

“What makes you think that?”

“Just a hunch. Trust me on this one. Brian’s going to be home in three days.”

Dan nodded, smiling a little. “I just… I really like him. I hope it goes well.”

“I’m almost certain it will.” Suzy smiled at Dan softly.

Brian had gone back to New Jersey for the week. Everything had just been too much and he was falling apart and broken. He was silent through the whole airport process, silent on the plane. But when he saw Sarah waiting for him, his chest seized, and it was all pouring out. If she hadn’t hurried forward to pull him into her arms, he would have collapsed. He cried into her shoulder, his body shaking so hard. “It’s too much, it’s too much, I can’t, I just can’t,” he whispered, choked by everything pouring out of his body.

She managed to get him out of the airport and to her car, rubbing his back a long moment before driving him to her house. He was nearly silent during the drive, his breaths occasionally hitching as tears streaked down his cheeks.

“I’ve missed you,” Sarah said softly. “I wish we weren’t seeing each other like this though.”

“...I’m sorry. I’m running from my problems and being dumb.” He wiped at his face, staring out the window.

“Well, you never were the brightest,” she softly teased. “I’m sure a week of dogs and video games will get you back on your feet. Camilla’s so excited to see you, though. And I think Butch is too.”

Brian smiled shakily. “I can’t wait to see them either.”

The week seemed to fly by, and Brian really did enjoy himself. He hadn’t been this happy in more than six months. He volunteered at the animal shelter Sarah worked at, spent some time cooking with Camilla in the kitchen, and more than once he just laid on the floor to let Butch and Doe sniff at him. And in a few cases, step on him because they were getting rambunctious.

Camilla teased him that he should dye his hair outlandish colors, and he did briefly consider dying it dark green. Sarah talked them out of it though. Brian was totally going to do it someday out of spite. But it was nice to feel happy and relaxed and not have to think about Dan or work or any of it for a little while. He cried a few times over the week, just so emotionally shattered that the smallest things would tip him over the edge. But they were there for him, quietly comforting him in his worst moments. He felt bad, especially when those moments came in the middle of the night.

And the week went by and ended. “I don’t want to leave…”

“You have to.” Camilla rubbed his back gently as they stood outside the airport. “I know you’re scared. But this is your life. You need to face this.”

“...I don’t want to.”

Sarah sighed, pulling him into a tight hug. “You’re stronger than your fear, Brian. I know you’ve had a hard few years, but you can go back their with your head held high and know that you’re so fucking strong.”

Brian held onto her tighter for a long moment. “...okay.”

“I love you Brian.”

“I love you too Sarah. And you Camilla…”

Camilla gave him a tight hug. “You’re always welcome back here, but don’t stop living your life. Find happiness, okay?”

“I’ll do my best.” He smiled faintly at them before heading into the airport.

The next week went by quietly. Brian was trying to lower the tension between himself and the others, trying to break down his own walls. It was a very slow process.

But then it all fell apart. Again.

Brian was working on some emails when Dan came over to his desk, looking nervous. He glanced over at Arin, who gave him a thumbs up, something Brian didn’t fail to notice. “Hey, Brian?”

“Yeah?” Brian looked up at him.

“Do you maybe want to get dinner tonight?”

“I don’t think we need to do any planning. We’re ahead of schedule.”

“No, no. Not like that.” Dan nervously cleared his throat. “Like a date.”

Brian blinked in shock, feeling suddenly frozen. The office had gone silent, and everyone was staring. His blood ran cold, and his logic was yelling that this had to be a prank. “...why are you doing this to me?” His voice was almost a whisper, full of pain.

“Wh- what?” Dan blinked, confused.

“I don’t know who told you. But this is just fucking cruel. To fuck with my feelings like this? This is a low blow, Dan!” Brian stood up, grabbing his phone and keys. “But let me guess! You find this funny. Oh, Brian is gay and in love with me? How about I exploit that for my sick and twisted sense of humor!” He was almost in tears. Dan was shocked because Brian was yelling. That had to be it. There was no way Dan would genuinely want to go on a date with him. No one could ever want to be with him. He just… wasn’t loveable.

Everyone was still staring. So he just wiped his eyes, storming out. He slammed the door hard behind him, making Dan jolt. Dan was close to tears himself, staring towards the door. “Why... did he think this was a prank?” Dan sniffled, wiping at his eyes. “I thought… that maybe he liked me.”

Arin pulled Dan into a tight hug. “I don’t know buddy… but maybe… we give him some space and then go talk to him. We’ll figure this out. Just don’t lose hope, okay?” Arin rested a hand on Dan’s face, softly swiping away tears with his thumb.

“...Okay.” He nodded, blinking back tears and going over to the couch, curling up in a ball.

Brian was driving away, tears rolling down his face. This hurt. This was an incredible amount of pain, worse than when he’d broken his leg. He couldn’t go home. He’d have to face all the things he’d done with Dan there. He needed to be away from everything and everyone for awhile.

A half hour later, he found himself checking into a small motel, out of the way. He got his room key and went to lay in the bed. The sheets were scratchy and there were weird stains on the carpet, but he just kicked off his shoes and curled in a ball.

The first day, he just laid there, watching out the window silently as tears quietly slid down his face. The sun went down and the streetlights came on. And his own utter exhaustion became too much. The second day went much like the first. He got up at one point, dizzy from dehydration, and bought a few bottles of water from a vending machine before laying back down.

At that point, Dan was extra worried. As far as he knew, Brian could be anywhere, and he didn’t like the idea of Brian being scared and alone. He and Arin went over to Brian’s house, exchanging a worried look when Brian’s car wasn’t in the driveway. But Dan went inside anyway, using the spare key he’d been given. “Brian? Hello?” Brian wasn’t there.

Arin frowned, looking around the living room. “I don’t think he came home yesterday… Maybe his friends back in New Jersey know something?”

“I think I have Sarah’s number…” Dan sat on Brian’s couch, scrolling through his contacts. “...Do you think he’s okay?”

“I don’t know Dan. I wish I could say I knew something, anything… but I don’t.” Arin sat down next to him, rubbing his back.

Dan sighed, finding Sarah’s contact on his phone, curling up into Arin’s side.

“Hello?”

“Hi Sarah. It’s Danny. Brian’s bandmate.”

“...Danny? Why are you calling me?”

“Um… so yesterday, I asked Brian out on a date but I guess he thought it was some kind of cruel prank and apparently he has a thing for me? But he ran off and we don’t know where he is and I’m scared. Do you know anything?”

There was a long pause. “Wait, you have feelings for Brian? And he wasn’t thrilled when he found out?” There was another pause.

Dan cleared his throat nervously, curling up tighter. “Yeah. And… yeah. I don’t know why. I’d never pull a prank that mean.”

“I’ll text him, but he hasn’t reached out to me. I’ll let you know if I find anything out, but I make no promises.”

“Thank you Sarah. Thank you so much… I’m just so worried…”

“Brian isn’t usually spontaneous. I doubt he’s gone far. I’ll text you in a little while. Bye Dan.”

“Bye Sarah.” Dan sniffled, hanging up. “She’s gonna text him and let me know if he tells her anything.”

Arin nodded, playing with Dan’s hair to keep him calm. “Well, all we can do is wait.”

Brian got the texts. He read them. But he didn’t respond. He just set his phone down and rolled over.

Two more days passed, and Dan was going to desperate measures. “Barry, do you know how to trace someone’s phone?”

Barry looked up, frowning. “Look, I want to find Brian too. He’s a good friend and a good guy. But I don’t have a warrant, so I could get arrested for invasion of privacy.”

“I feel like that’s a stretch. Look, I need to find him and I’m so scared something happened to him. If you get in trouble, I’ll take the flak for you.” Dan was practically begging, leaning on Barry’s desk. “Barry, please. I’ll do anything.”

Barry took a deep breath. “...just don’t do anything reckless.” He turned to his computer.

Dan pulled a chair up, sitting down next to Barry. After a few minutes, Barry found the motel Brian was at and Arin and Ross were watching Barry work too. “He’s gotten several calls in the last few days but hasn’t taken any. ...At least he’s eating. He called a pizza place yesterday.”

He wrote down the address for Dan, and Dan was gone in seconds. Ross wrapped his arms around Barry’s shoulders. “I know we’re all worried about Brian, and I am too. But you look… extremely sexy when you’re all focused like that.”

“So what? You think hackers have a ton of sexual appeal?” Barry giggled, looking up at Ross.

“Duh. And you’re the sexiest hacker.” Ross kissed Barry playfully, smiling into it.

Arin rolled his eyes, heading back to his office with a small smile.

Dan drove way faster than he should’ve. He was worried and he was scared and willing to do anything at this point. So he pulled up to the motel in record time. Just in time to see Brian picking up a bottle of water out of a vending machine and going back into his room. He parked and ran to the door of Brian’s room. But then he hesitated. What if Brian didn’t want to see him? What if Brian outright rejected him? ...he’d live with that.

All that mattered was seeing Brian okay.

And he knocked on the door.

Brian looked up from where he was curled up on the bed, quietly eating a slice of cold pizza. He sighed and stood up, opening the door. “...Danny? How did you find me?” He started slowly backing away.

“I had Barry’s help… Brian, I’ve been so worried about you… You’ve been missing for four days! I thought I’d never see you again…”

“It’s only been four days.”

“I was scared.” Dan stepped in the room, letting the door close. “Brian, what’s going on?”

Brian occupied himself with finishing the slice of cold pizza, hoping Dan might take it as a cue to leave. When he didn’t, Brian let out a long sigh. “I need you to be completely honest with me. Who told you about my feelings? And why would you pull that kind of prank on me?” He had hurt in his eyes as he looked up at Dan, as soft as he’d ever been.

“Brian… no one told me about your feelings. I decided to take a risk with my feelings for you. I’d never prank you like that. Even if I knew about how you felt, I wouldn’t use it to hurt you. I really like you. And I want to date you if you’re willing to give us a try. And if you’re not, you’ll still be my best friend. And you’re crying. Why are you crying?” Dan reached forward, softly resting a hand on Brian’s cheek.

“...you really do feel that for me?”

“God yes.”

Tears softly dripped down Brian’s cheeks. “...I really like you Dan. A lot. And I’ve been so scared… for so long. And… it’s hard for me to believe that anyone could actually… feel things for me. But.. I want to try. I do, because I want to be happy and let myself feel these things without being scared.”

“...how long?”

“You know when we met? That long, minus a month or so.” Brian smiled weakly.

“That long? Brian, you’ve felt like this for almost 8 years?” Dan’s eyes were wide, shocked.

“...Yeah.” Brian sighed, looking up at Dan.

“Bri… can I kiss you?” His voice got soft as he wiped tears away.

“Please.” Brian’s voice was almost a whisper.

Dan leaned in, catching Brian’s lips in a soft kiss, careful and nervous and full of all the things that words just couldn’t say. Brian’s heart was racing and his face was red. But then Dan pulled away, making a face. “When did you last brush your teeth?”

“...The morning I ran off.”

“Ew.”

“I don’t have a toothbrush and I’ve been depressed!”

“I’m taking you home and then I get a do over.”

“Fine.” Brian rolled his eyes, but there was a tinge of a smile on his face.

Dan helped him up, giving him a tight hug before they went to check Brian out of the motel and go home.

And Brian was… happy. It was honestly difficult sometimes, remembering that he was with Dan, who genuinely cared for him, maybe even loved him. And it was a process to pull himself back together and let himself feel again. He was a refreshed person, building up his personality all over again. He wasn’t the person he used to be before he’d started to fall apart. And he never would be again. But he was still himself, he just felt whole again.

And autumn turned to winter, and the holidays came. Brian and Dan were the only ones in town when Christmas Day rolled around, Ross and Barry off in Australia and Suzy and Arin home in Florida for the holidays. So Brian wasn’t too surprised when he got a text from Dan, asking him out to dinner.

Brian smiled as he parked his car in front of the Chinese restaurant, getting out when he saw Dan. “Hey.”

Dan bent down, softly kissing Brian’s lips. “Hey. Merry Christmas. And Happy Hanukkah.” He grinned.

“That’s right! It started yesterday, didn’t it?”

“Mhm.” Dan smiled as they headed inside. “You don’t celebrate either much anymore, do you?”

“Aside from going out with you for Chinese the past 7 years, no.” Brian laughed a little. “I mean, Sarah’s Jewish, so I usually spent a couple nights there during Hanukkah back when we lived in New Jersey, but not so much anymore.”

“Maybe we can start our own traditions aside from this?”

“How about after this we get a stupidly sweet dessert from the grocery store, go back to my place, lay on the couch with the dessert, and watch a super poorly rated movie on Netflix?”

“...I love you, Brian. That’s the best idea I’ve ever heard.” Dan pulled Brian into a kiss.

“I love you too,” Brian mumbled against his lips, laughing a little. And for the first time in years, he didn’t doubt a thing.


End file.
